Comparison culture: a thief of enjoyment

Let’s talk about external validation

External validation is a trap. It is dangerous because a majority of players - and coaches, to be honest – rely on it for confidence. 

When other people approve of us or compliment us, then we allow ourselves to feel good and believe in ourselves. 

If your players only feel good about themselves when others approve of them, they are handing over control of their confidence and self-belief to other people. 

By relying on external validation for confidence, players are allowing something outside of their control to impact the way they feel about themselves.

When players compare themselves to others, they are giving other players all the power. When they rely on external validation for confidence, they are again handing off their power.

The truth is that players have absolutely no control over other people. They can’t control how other people play soccer, nor the words of validation others choose to give to them.

By focusing on things they can’t control, this not only devastates a player’s mental state and derails their performance, it also takes the fun out of the game. Comparison is the thief of joy. 

 

Controlling the controllable

As a coach, you can help your players escape the grip of comparison culture by focusing on what they can control, as individuals and as a team.

That is not just what they think about – it is every piece of the game, be it technical, tactical, physical and mental. All four areas contain thousands of elements that players actually have complete control over.

If you create a culture that focuses on this, players will naturally move away from the detrimental aspects of comparison because their minds are elsewhere, in the present moment, paying attention to the pieces of the process they have full control over.

For example, during tactical training, ask players to choose one thing they can fully control in the activity, something that would help them execute at a higher level - it might be checking their shoulder, making runs off the ball, or checking in and out of space.

Have them prepare an internal message, a piece of instructional self-talk, to use during the activity that reminds them to do this controllable action.

Afterwards, have them reflect. Did they do the controllable thing? Did it help them play better? Ask them how they feel about doing it for themselves and their development? Do they believe they can do it again?

True confidence and self-belief comes from internal validation, not external.

 

Prioritizing a culture of mental skills

This is a hot topic these days, but bringing mental skills into your culture isn’t just about providing players with an app or webinars.

 

"Players can’t control how others play, nor the words of validation they choose to give..."

If you really want it to help your players not just survive pressure, expectations and comparison culture, but thrive amid it, it has to be brought into the team culture and incorporated into training and game play. 

This is where things get hard. I know coaches are already spread too thin. I know some of you are constantly fighting to keep your job and being graded on results.

I know how many clubs or academies say they want to provide for players’ mental health, but the action piece is lacking.

This is where you come in. As the coach, you have to decide that this work is important enough to make a stand, and make it a priority in your team culture, regardless of what those around you are doing. 

What percentage of soccer is mental? A lot, right? And how much time do teams actually spend training this piece of their game? Most likely, not much.

Prioritizing a mental skills culture would not only give your players the ability to navigate comparison culture, but it might also help your team play better.

Mental skills work is a combination of enhancing performance and working on wellbeing. 

When you build a team culture that understands and prioritizes this piece of the game, your potential becomes unlimited. 

This is because mental skills work has the power to help players see their worth beyond the bounds of their performance. 

Players lessen their dependence on external validation and work towards becoming their own inner coach by building true, stable and deep confidence and self-belief. 

When players are given the space to learn about themselves and focus on identity and character development alongside their game, they come to see that who they are as a person is ultimately what will drive their success in the long run.